March 2014, Ain't Louie Fest.
I arrived late Friday night and was met instantly by an extremely energetic blonde boater, who upon examination recognized me and lept through my truck window and gave me a glorious hug. The next day I met the rest of those people I had come to know through social networking. Soon, the decision to run the Tellico was made. My Probe 12 and I had a rocky history with each other. That history consisted of failed attempts at Goshen and countless swims on the local class II training ground known as Balcony Falls. (Local in this instance refers to my previous home, not the current). As I rode up next to the Tellico river my heart sank. There was no way I wanted to paddle this. Ledges and waterfalls? No sir. Not. This. Guy.
I arrived late Friday night and was met instantly by an extremely energetic blonde boater, who upon examination recognized me and lept through my truck window and gave me a glorious hug. The next day I met the rest of those people I had come to know through social networking. Soon, the decision to run the Tellico was made. My Probe 12 and I had a rocky history with each other. That history consisted of failed attempts at Goshen and countless swims on the local class II training ground known as Balcony Falls. (Local in this instance refers to my previous home, not the current). As I rode up next to the Tellico river my heart sank. There was no way I wanted to paddle this. Ledges and waterfalls? No sir. Not. This. Guy.
I had a blast either way, Running shuttle and bunny hopping down the road to watch the crew run the next drop. It was a gorgeous day in a truly gorgeous place. Crystal clear water, friendly people and just enough parking to keep the crowds down....most of the time. I believe most of the crew ran the Ledges clear to Jared's Knee. The whole time I was being goaded and pestered into putting on. Some of the tactics: "Its the safest Class 3 there is!" "It's all drop pool with consequence free swims". I held resolute. It was enough for me to be there and observe the place and the people. It truly was. I have no regrets of that day. That night back at the campground I came to know the Local Rowdies, a group I immediately felt at home with and would seek out for trips abroad.
I have said this often and to many. I love open boaters. We are fewer in number than kayakers and I think that has something to do with the reason we are so close as a community. Boaters I have met one time have offered the world to me. When someone is down, we come together to try to lift them up. When we venture off into the Great West for soul searching and new adventures we stay in touch and try to shine the light of friendship on those dark lonely shadows that creep into each of us. (You know who you are, names not needed here. Love you all, miss you all, come home when you are ready and I will make dinner)
I caught a lot of shit, to put it bluntly for not paddling that Saturday back in March. I mean a lot. I am a big boy, I can take my fair share of shit talking and good natured criticism. Those of you that know me personally can attest. I began to push myself on the training grounds, attainments and counting eddies. Learning to surf and side surf, hairy ferries and so on. I noticed my body start to change. Shoulders and back becoming stronger, even my thighs. I ditched the probe, and eventually the Nova Craft, saved up my pennies and purchased a plastic whitewater canoe.
Along the way and prior to my purchase of Lanie, I had incredible people going out of their way to help me into the world. I was lent a boat and instructed to make the saddle fit me, which meant cutting a great deal of foam from it. I did my best to keep it clean but I had never really done that before. A long day at ASCI and many many swims later I was able to run a lap clean, albeit not very dry. I was in awe of a young paddler who has incredible mentorship, She, yes she, is absolutely one of my heros. Maybe 1/4 my size, but she stands taller than I. The following day I was shown the wonder of the Lower Yough. I had a great day even though I was admittedly exhausted and hung over. Sleeping in my truck on account of my cheap tent was not even close to water resistant. It left me cramped and tired. I think I did fairly well that day, I swam. Then I swam some more. Afterwards I went for a swim. The last of which was rather painful as my exhausted body was drug across a very rocky river bottom at a speed too fast for me to gain foothold safely. I remember a talented boater from across the pond helping me gather my stuff. She very calmly and politely asked "Are you ok?". My reply was something about being fine, just very tired. The look in her eyes hinted that I may have looked a lot more haggard than I was claiming. I was still smoking then, a pack a day at the time. It took its toll.
Along the way and prior to my purchase of Lanie, I had incredible people going out of their way to help me into the world. I was lent a boat and instructed to make the saddle fit me, which meant cutting a great deal of foam from it. I did my best to keep it clean but I had never really done that before. A long day at ASCI and many many swims later I was able to run a lap clean, albeit not very dry. I was in awe of a young paddler who has incredible mentorship, She, yes she, is absolutely one of my heros. Maybe 1/4 my size, but she stands taller than I. The following day I was shown the wonder of the Lower Yough. I had a great day even though I was admittedly exhausted and hung over. Sleeping in my truck on account of my cheap tent was not even close to water resistant. It left me cramped and tired. I think I did fairly well that day, I swam. Then I swam some more. Afterwards I went for a swim. The last of which was rather painful as my exhausted body was drug across a very rocky river bottom at a speed too fast for me to gain foothold safely. I remember a talented boater from across the pond helping me gather my stuff. She very calmly and politely asked "Are you ok?". My reply was something about being fine, just very tired. The look in her eyes hinted that I may have looked a lot more haggard than I was claiming. I was still smoking then, a pack a day at the time. It took its toll.
My first weekend in plastic boats complete, my future purchase was set in stone. I needed a short boat. I needed plastic. I needed this life, these places, these experiences. I needed these people in my world. My life while married was defined by the marriage. Walls built up and blinders put on to where my heart truly wanted to be. I missed paddling in the prime of my physical life because I was not allowed to see the world around me and explore those possibilities. Not all marriages exist this way. I know this for a fact as I have numerous married friends who paddle many more days a week than I do. They are happy together, they match well. This is not about divorce in America. This is about my efforts to find the path hidden for me in the underbrush of the forest floor that is my soul and heart.
February 2015, a handful of friends decided to meet in Tellico for a day of boating and I enlisted a Local Rowdy for splitting travel duties. We made our 7 hour voyage late on a Friday night. That journey is a story for another time, remind me to tell you. We arrived late, most had gone to sleep but a few were awake and after setting camp and sharing some local peach libations, we retired. The next day brought about hugs from friends long missed and introductions to new ones. We had no idea Ain't Beaterfest 2015 was going to turn into one of the larger open boat gatherings on the Tellico outside of the OUT Race. I was privately terrified. I felt comfortable and in control in my Octane 91. Her name is Lanie, yes I named my boat. I knew I had to conquer a fear that day. I am terrified of falling. Let me rephrase. I am MORTALLY PETRIFIED of falling. Yes, that is much better. I went for a swim early. Glad to have gotten that out of the way. I ended up cleaning the landing off Baby Falls, and going on to running Jared's Knee with a bit of flair at the end (read: fainting goat low brace save). I had the pleasure of an outstanding crew of paddlers to show me down the Tellico, (Strange, they are all very far west at this moment, is it me guys?)
I nearly cried at the bottom of Baby Falls, I had done it. To many it is just a small, short waterfall. However, to me it was a huge burden I had placed on myself. On that unseasonably warm February day, I learned something about myself. I had become a part of the community I so adored from the outside, and also waterfalls are fun.
"You ride down the water and go WEEEEE"
~Source knows who he is~
~Source knows who he is~
Actually it was a huge step for me, it was on that day the knob in my brain that determined security was more important than being happy, truly deeply happy, got turned back a notch.
"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are confined to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adapt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and incredible beauty."
~Chris McCandless~
Chris did some extreme living. He made choices I will not, however that does not lessen the relevance. I feel his words speak more loudly if I just let them alone.
March 2015 saw another Ain't Louie Fest, and afterwards a bug spread among my friends like a fast moving cold. Wanderlust hit us hard. My Local Rowdy friend is guiding now. He gave up a great income to push rubber and be on the river. Another just picked up and went West, she is guiding as well. I had other demons to wrestle with that I will share later, again just remind me. I suffered through a 7 hour anxiety attack on my way back home. I knew I would have to return to a job I despised. I knew I would be boating less. I knew lots of things I was not looking forward to dealing with. Mostly though, I was certain that I no longer knew who I was.
I was, without question, aware of one thing. One tiny factoid was ever present on the ride home.
Change Must Happen. Well, it did. I write this sitting in a pleasant and ever so slightly hipster coffee shop in Red Bank. Its gorgeous here. I have already gotten two more personal first descents. Hiawassee (yeah, yeah I know, but it was fun!) and the Ocoee (no, not the olympic section, not yet anyway). Countless more to come. However the single most amazing experience so far came just yesterday. I made my way back to that gorgeous little stream in Tellico Plains. I set my gear down by the water at the put in and slid my boat down out of sight by the water. Drove my truck to the bottom then walked back to the top.
Change Must Happen. Well, it did. I write this sitting in a pleasant and ever so slightly hipster coffee shop in Red Bank. Its gorgeous here. I have already gotten two more personal first descents. Hiawassee (yeah, yeah I know, but it was fun!) and the Ocoee (no, not the olympic section, not yet anyway). Countless more to come. However the single most amazing experience so far came just yesterday. I made my way back to that gorgeous little stream in Tellico Plains. I set my gear down by the water at the put in and slid my boat down out of sight by the water. Drove my truck to the bottom then walked back to the top.
I was alone. Just me. I stretched a bit, did a few ferries and some eddy grabs in the easy stuff, then headed downstream. My head cleared. I focused on the water, each ripple and eddy, each rock and pool. No conversation, no laughing or shit talking. The sound of the water and my paddle and my boat and my breathing and my heart beating.
I swam White Curtain, after pitoning backwards and working my boat loose the curtain poured into my boat and knowing how shallow it was, I just let it roll. Honestly I needed to cool off, I swear...it was on purpose. I paddled on, stopping to scope out the ledges as this was only my second time on this section. Nice dry lines, and I boofed the Beak exceptionally well, although it does most of the work for you. I made my way down to Baby falls. Hopped out for a scout, ran my desired line a few times in my head.
This is when "the magic happened" as they say. Without any trepidation, without second glance or inkling of that parasitic fear, I paddled hard and straight at my line. I missed the boof stroke and on the way down I knew it. Penciled in, foamy and white and a soft landing. I swam out of Lanie quickly and as I headed to resurface a smile broke on my face. I shoved my boat to shore, threw my paddle up on the rocks.
Why would I smile? What twisted logic does my heart follow? I had just day tripped and solo'd a river that just over a year ago I was scared to be on. All the while I had not uttered a word. All I did was listen to the voice of the river and the trees and the birds. The voices of nature that surrounded me came together and they all had the same message.
This is when "the magic happened" as they say. Without any trepidation, without second glance or inkling of that parasitic fear, I paddled hard and straight at my line. I missed the boof stroke and on the way down I knew it. Penciled in, foamy and white and a soft landing. I swam out of Lanie quickly and as I headed to resurface a smile broke on my face. I shoved my boat to shore, threw my paddle up on the rocks.
Why would I smile? What twisted logic does my heart follow? I had just day tripped and solo'd a river that just over a year ago I was scared to be on. All the while I had not uttered a word. All I did was listen to the voice of the river and the trees and the birds. The voices of nature that surrounded me came together and they all had the same message.
You have made the right choice. No matter how broke, tired, confused, lost or lonely you feel, you have made the right choice.
Those voices I heard, they are right.